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ME AND RWANDA 2017 ; Pre-trip reflections 26 Sept 2017

Updated: Jul 25, 2021

Why do I want to do this now?

- I need to find a cause I’m passionate about replacing the child I will never have.

- I need to give the rest of my life purpose and direction.

- I need to understand how others find purpose and meaning with nothing.

- I can’t continue to feel the pain of loss of my child, it’s not denying it but redirecting it to find my purpose for being on this planet.

- I was never one to conform so this is just me again seeking the same thing but in my own way.

- I feel I am finally coming out the other side of my traumas of anger, or have I ? Am I just trying to seek a way to recover in the way they have? Could I become disappointed when I realise they don’t have the answers and are looking to me for them? Or that their answers can never correlate with my frame of reference and culture.

What are my concerns?

-I may feel disappointed in it not being beautiful and colourful the way I seek it in my art. Will it worsen my depressive state? How do I maintain seeking and seeing beauty even in the worst situation? This may be the place for my art.

-I may feel too scared and outside my comfort zone. Why am I actually putting myself through this?

-I love my home now, I may feel too homesick for it.

What am I feeling?

-Ratty, grumpy, resistant whilst also non-procrastinating and just getting on with what ever presents to me.

-It is no longer my grief but theirs. Remember my own happiness at this moment.

- Excited that in this country they recognise I have something to offer. Getting to meet the Director of the Institute of Mental Health and others.


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