Updated: Jul 25, 2021
I have the time and the space...too much time and space means too much choice and so I do nothing.
Do I paint? Do I write? Do I get some exercise? Do I go out and see the world, get new experiences? ...
And then when I choose which one I do
What do I paint? What do I write? Where do I go that will create the new experience I am needing?
In my art I am having a confidence crisis and whilst I produce works that come from me I then question if they are really worthy of anything, of any recognition, any accolade....what makes my work worthy of anything?
The more times I exhibit and don't make a sale the less confident I become. I question "Should I have more traditional expertise in technique, should I be working as the Old Masters did so that I can validate any recognition I get?" and "What is it that makes other artists at these fairs so great and mine not?"
I feel I work so hard to create my image and then I see other artists work that has achieved what I was really hoping for and then feel disappointed in myself, for not achieving it myself, ignoring what qualities my work offers. My work went that direction for a reason, what is that reason? Why not take it the direction I wanted it to go?
I know I do not want to replicate artists that have inspired me, just recreating what they have done before. I want to take these ideas and create my own. There are so many directions our work can head and we can only select one at one given time. But how do we make that decision as to what will fulfil us knowing we may have to sacrifice other ideas we have? Is this conscious or unconscious. it is my unconscious that guides me to the end image but it is my conscious that looks back and says "that's not what you had in mind, why do it that way?".
The conflict comes because it is partly my conscious that has planned the image, but it is my unconscious that has different ideas! And my unconscious is driven by my learning difficulties and my fibro fog that, whilst I want to loosen up and make things more complex and layered, I always need to find some clarity in the chaos. So instead of berating myself for not creating what others have created and I have to accept my limitations and celebrate the uniqueness that this creates.