Updated: Jul 25, 2021
Written June 2014
So here I am, sat in the middle of Savernake forest in-between client venues with a much awaited moment of reflection of the past few months.
At the start of the year my plan was to create more space for myself and make a baby. Six months in I have almost completed part 1 of this plan, now philosophising that I needed to complete this part to make way for the 2nd part. In February it felt very different and I felt part 2 was never going to happen, not recognising I still had 10 months left! Yes there should be no time frame but in my independent, determined and stubborn world I have to set myself these targets, and yes I am quite sure it is this in itself that is preventing it from happening…..hence going back into psychotherapy to address such need for control and what happens when I don’t have it!
Now my space is almost complete I can almost breathe again. But until I do why would a baby want to join me?
Going back just 2 weeks that breathe was an even longer way away as I had to overcome an additional hurdle of battling skin cancer. Whilst I knew it had felt devastating and an immense shock to my whole family I had not realised how much so until the moment I received in writing that nothing sinister was found in the 3cm round incision they took from my arm. The letter made me release my breath so deeply I sobbed for 30 minutes in relief and elation.
And now, my breath is stabilising, with peaks and troughs as the last few stages of my new space is finalised. The big stuff is done, it is now just the fine tuning and details that will make me feel ready to open its doors…And yet I still hesitate…..I am now allowing the occasional spontaneous client in as this was the whole point of creating this space, so I can see my clients on mine and their terms, not that dictated by other therapists competing for the same space. I envisaged this was going to be some grand opening gesture, where I selected the most appropriate client to be the first to enter the sofas. But if I keep waiting I will never be ready. It will never be perfect, how I want it, because so far I have produced all the bits I wanted but there is still some space left I don’t yet know what to do with….ah yes….some free space…….enjoy!!! Stop filling it up with stuff, leaving it empty for new creations to happen.
And me myself for some reason in the last few months I have needed very little sleep and been up by 8am at the latest. Even at the extremes of physical demands painting and building all day my recovery lasts just one good nights sleep. Since that letter I am open again, I can see again, although still somewhat distracted by my completion list. I now understand why I should ‘live again’. I had stopped living early this year and my life depended on my baby. Nothing else could find that joy within me. But, even after month after month of grieving for another lost egg my joy is growing and my energy for living is growing. My home is now just that. It is not my office, my study, my art, my psychology, my accounts, my admin files….it is me and my cat now waiting for my baby.
Will this last once I am finally settled and no longer have my completion list to complete? I think so because earlier today my mind took me from my day job, not to the muddle and jumble of my clutter at home but to a choice. Either to a place to escape into my creative and professional world or to go home to my ‘space’. Now there is clarity there is space and where there is space I hope only that there is a baby….but in the meantime I shall just enjoy the space :-)